


even if and even so

by junmyeony



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, pls protect verkwan, the seventeen boys are in here but not rlly lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-28 23:27:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17192207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junmyeony/pseuds/junmyeony
Summary: Hansol has always had this funny feeling in his stomach, and strangely enough it was only ever for Seungkwan.





	even if and even so

**Author's Note:**

> hi i wrote this because theres not enough verkwan in this world, and they r too precious not to write about loool

Hansol is thirteen and so is Seungkwan when he first feels something funny in his chest. 

A funny feeling that only appears when Seungkwan is around—never with any of the other Seventeen boys, and so Hansol brushes it off as just another _Seungkwan_ thing.

And even if his stomach feels fuzzy or his body awkwardly always tries to find ways to be next to him, he doesn’t think too much about it. The other boy is also extremely touchy—especially with Hansol, so he doesn’t think its anything wrong when he grips Seungkwan around the waist and stands a little closer than necessary. Besides, all the boys are extremely touchy and Seungkwan is his best friend; why wouldn’t Hansol feel specially different about him? 

Hansol once tries tells Jeonghan about it, reasoning that he was the oldest and would definitely know what this weird feeling was. 

Hansol wasn’t ready for Jeonghan to become serious all of a sudden, losing his joking tone, as he harshly told him never to speak about it again and _definitely_ not when there were cameras present. He did this all while staring at Hansol seriously, gripping onto his hands while glancing around the empty practice room like someone might overhear their conversation. 

Hansol was scared and worried, furiously nodding his head even if he didn’t fully understand why. But he knew that his hyung was scared and worried, and he promised then and there to never to bring it up again. 

And if Seungkwan wondered why he began sleeping in his own room after that, well Hansol would claim it was because Seungkwan kicked him in his sleep. 

He never spoke to Jeonghan about it again, but every time he was standing a bit too close to Seungkwan, Hansol felt like he was always staring at him. He tried to force himself to create some distance between him and Seungkwan, but all he ended up doing was making Seungkwan cry and not talk to him for two days. That made Hansol feel even worse, so he just gave up trying to avoid him all together. 

Besides, they were thirteen, and all the boys were extremely touchy. 

As the baby fat melted off their faces, and they finally grew into their bodies, Hansol still thought that Seungkwan was one of the most beautiful people he had ever known. 

A lot more than their other bandmates, or even the female idols they saw backstage at music shows. To Hansol; Seungkwan would always be on a different level. 

As Seventeen became more popular and their fans grew, so did the funny feeling in Hansol’s stomach.

_Vernonnie,_ Seungkwan would call, and Hansol’s stomach would blanch. 

Even after all the boys left, and it was only Seungkwan and Hansol in the dorm; watching stupid English movies with no subtitles, Hansol still wouldn’t say anything about it. He would just sit and watch the movie, their hands hesitantly reaching out to each other underneath the blanket. 

Hansol’s hands would grow sweaty, but Seungkwan still wouldn’t pull away. 

Never good with words, Hansol would only speak if spoken to. On variety shows, he would leave Seungkwan to do all the talking, content to just stand and watch him shine. Seungkwan was the most animated when doing variety, a natural at making people laugh. 

And the other boys always tried to make their relationship into a joke, an obvious jab at the best friends. It was always Seungkwan and Vernon. Hansol and Seungkwan. Whichever question, whatever game, Seungkwan would always choose Hansol. Everyone knew they were best friends. The 98 line; always paired up together. And Hansol didn’t mind, in fact, he liked being partnered together.

_“If it’s Hansol, then it’s definitely Seungkwan.”_ Seungcheol would tease, his smile innocent yet aimed to poke fun at the two. 

Hansol would smile and laugh, but inside his stomach would clench, as his brain panics, wondering if anyone would read into that; his heart never really been able to settle down since he was thirteen and talking to Jeonghan in the practice room. 

He was older now, but no less scared, and he knew that his feelings were not normal—or at least not accepted. And whatever he felt for Seungkwan needed to be covered up at all times; masked by the pretences of best friends, or bromances, or skinship. 

But even if Hansol knew this, he couldn’t help but let his eyes linger on the others frame whenever he spoke. Or stop Seungkwan’s name from spilling out of his mouth without thinking.

And so they danced around the subject of their relationship. Laughing it off in front of the boys, joking about it as if it wasn’t their real feelings being put on display. 

Seungkwan would complain; saying how Vernon was like a little puppy who grew up too fast, and Hansol would laugh along, even if his heart was beating a little too fast in his chest. 

And if after the show, if Hansol brushed Seungkwan’s arm off his shoulder, it was only because he was sweaty in his stage clothes and didn’t want the extra heat on him. 

Hansol couldn’t help it if Seungkwan wanted to cling to him, but he didn’t see the eyes of the producers and managers boring into them, not like Hansol did—waiting for them to make a mistake, to reveal something they shouldn’t.

And Seungkwan tended to let his hurt be known, unable to cover up his emotions no matter how hard he tried. Even when he’s trying not to let Hansol know he’s mad at him, Hansol could always figure it out anyways. His hurt bled out like a blood stained bandaid, overflowing with emotions. Seungkwan would ignore you and angrily curse you out, before acting as if nothing happened and swaddling you in affection the very next day.

This was both good and bad, as he was never able to cover up his emotions in front of the camera. The fans always knew when he was happy, or sad, or ecstatic, or angry, even coming up to him during fansigns and asking what was wrong when he didn’t joke around like usual.

They could tell, just like Hansol, when he was feeling insecure about himself. Whether it was about his looks, or his weight, or his variety. Everyone’s opinion mattered to Seungkwan; no one more than Hansol’s. 

And Hansol was always good at reading Seungkwan’s emotions. 

But still, it stung when Seungkwan reached for Mingyu instead of him. It made the funny feeling in his stomach churn and twist into a bitterness Hansol wasn’t familiar with. 

Even more so when management kept putting Seungkwan with Mingyu on variety shows, only the two of them and not Seventeen. 

“ _Audiences love their Tom and Jerry relationship"_ , is what they would say; claiming that the same old partners would bore their fans; that they needed to switch it up sometimes. 

Hansol would nod and agree, for he wasn’t that great at variety anyways. He preferred stepping back and watching Seungkwan do this thing. 

Even if during the next vlive, Seungkwan stood next to Mingyu instead of Hansol, and spent the entire time ignoring Hansol, he wouldn’t mind. _It’s better this way anyways,_ he would think. This way, no one would question them, throwing them suspicious gazes every time they stood too closely. 

And even if Hansol missed Seungkwan’s bright smile or the way he would unconsciously grip Hansol’s thigh when sitting next to him, he would never say. 

Except when it would spill out unconsciously, during an interview or vlive, where the question wasn’t even about Seungkwan. 

But the other boy was constantly on his mind—even just as an afterthought—and he was bound to spill into Hansol’s speech sooner or later. The way Seungkwan’s sole mission was to make carrats happy, or the way he sang with all his heart; his voice bleeding with emotion. Vernon couldn’t help but be moved every time he heard him sing, and couldn’t help but rave about the other man when he deserved all the praise. He imagined he could listen to Seungkwan sing for eternity and never get tired of it. 

After all, they would be together until Seventeen disbanded, and even in the years after that. Wherever Seungkwan went, Hansol would follow. Even if that was back to Jeju, or staying in Seoul and seeing him host his own variety program. 

That was when Hansol realized something. 

Something more important than thirteen-year-old-Hansol’s scolding, or their producers suspicious gaze during filming, or the crews whispers behind their back. 

Something more important, like keeping Seungkwan smiling at him the way he did; like Hansol was the main reason he was happy.

And so the next time Seungkwan was doing a vlive and Hansol saw the notification on his phone, of course he dropped whatever he was doing to watch it. 

And when Seungkwan would call him; jokingly telling him that he liked him, Hansol would not lie. 

“ _So do I,”_ he would say, and if Seungkwan, and everyone watching, and their management, and the entire _world_ thought he was just joking, then so be it. 

_“You’re really something,”_ Seungkwan would reply, his voice coming out fond and soft, and he would never know just how many times Hansol would replay those words in his head; rewatching the vlive just to see Seungkwan’s soft expression when he said them. 

And so, if Hansol stood just a bit too close to him during their next fansign, whispering what could only be seen as a confession; well, who would be the one to tell. 


End file.
